The First Loss

As you may see in my profile I mention a person who I felt like knew everything. This person exampled everything God would portray in a person. I now know... it was a human but I guess at the time I could not understand how such a God fearing person could make such a judgement based on non facts. This person was my best friend I had ever had. The one I could be completely honest with.. whether it was good or bad and at that time never felt judged. That was through the years of 2008-2018. Yes. a long time to be a friend. I can remember when the separation began with my husband, staying with my oldest. There was some sort of altercation between them and for some reason she targeted me, because I had asked her to leave (my daughter's friend). She got systems involved which were totally untrue. But it ruined a friendship, that I did hold dearly. A couple years later, I did try to reach back out to tell my side of the story but was met with words such as "you must be feeling guilty", "this was your fault"... etc. so that was the end of that. I will say that devistated me. I never expected to be met with this kind of animosity from someone I had trusted and loved for so long. That was when I started separating myself from the church. Because I thought that was the church. Now I now that isn't the truth.. but at that time... The most repspected person I knew showed me how people saw me. "If We are the Body" by Casting Crowns song.. explains all of my feelings.

Life after Divorce...

Divorce is a double edged sword. It can be terrible, needed... or vengeful. I think it was needed. Some things about the divorce seemed vengeful but in the end, I do still believe we cared about eachother even though it couldn't work out. We did have great, beautiful and kind kids together and there is nothing I can trade for that. I guess I don't really know where to start. I want to give some explaination to my children. But it is difficult to make since of. I guess the simplest way to put it without airing out dirty laundry.. is we grew apart. I feel we always cared about eachother, but in a different way throughout the years. So that brings me to 2018... it was a difficult time. I felt insecure and decided to step away from actively doing real estate and get a job at Waffle House. I always thought that would be a fun job.. a job where people accepted you and a kind place to go to each day. It was... but it was more difficult than I had ever imagined. There was a huge handbook.. with all the rules, all the things you shouldn't say and all these codes to holler out orders... I was terrible at this. They recommended me to have more training after several weeks.. so I was so embarrassed, I Quit. With uniform in tow... I was down to $20 in my bank account and had been offered a place that was for sale to stay temporarilly... A few collegues from real estate donated furniture. I had a loveseat, a recliner... and after a few months a bed and bean bag chair. I literally bought 7 weight watcher meals per week and that was my dinner every night for just a little while. One day when my youngest was staying with me, we decided to make a commercial and offer an open house to to the house we were staying in... I guess I wasn't thinking straight because that house sold right out from under me.. but it gave me some funds and we moved to a nicer place with more room, where more of the children could stay. I can remember my daughter's boyfriend rallying up his friends and moving the little things we had in a pickup truck with the christmas tree fully standing and decorated and placing those things in the new house. It felt like home.

It's been a WHILE!

As I look back over the years... things got harder, not simpler... not especially better but life did happen. Quick recap.. after 27 years I found myself divorced.. struggling and trying to make since of everything that had become. We will leave that at that... because that is not the end. I guess 2018 was at the time the hardest time for most of us. That is when we split and it did split up our family. Sometimes I think about things that could have been different. What could I have done different, why couldn't I let some stuff go? Why did I give up? But I did. I had my reasons.. but that is in the past. The past is not relevant if we can't acknowledge it. So I do. Some things unfair happened, but maybe that is what needed to happen, so I am taking my responsiblilty for my part in the parts I could have changed.. I could have been better, handled things differently... But, that is the thing about time... you can't go back, or change it. So we have to move on.

Home and Billy

Growing up we lived in a white farm house on a lot of acres. We had several barns, lots of woods, goats, chickens and dogs. Next door to our house was and old shack that mom fixed up for her sewing shop. When I got old enough to go to school Mom opened up a bigger shop downtown in Rome. Once Mom’s shop moved downtown my nephews and their Mom moved into the shack next door. At that time I had 3 nephews and we were all close in age since my brothers were so much older than me. When my brother’s youngest baby was 6 weeks old he was shot and killed and that is when my nephews and their mom moved next door. During the summers my sister would watch us while my mom and my nephew’s mom worked during the day. The boys were very rambunctious and mischievous so many days my sister would lock us out of the house until it was almost time for Mama to get home. Those days were long… But, we would always find something to get into. We would climb up in the barns and play hide and seek, build forts out of old lumber, and one time the boys’ even spray painted the dog! They were always doing stuff that got us all in trouble. One time my nephew who was a little over a year younger than me shot me in the butt with a bb gun, Lucky it wasn’t loaded, but it sure did hurt! It was fun living on that farm; Dad had a golf cart he would let us ride. It was a 3 wheel golf cart, one day he finally let me drive it and I turned just a little too sharp and turned the whole cart over. I don’t remember ever getting to drive that cart again after that. The goats were also fun to get to feed, but we had this one Billy goat and he was mean…. His name was Billy. He would get out of the fence all of the time, so finally Dad put up an electric fence. The boys would always trick me into touching that fence saying it wasn’t turned on and I would get shocked every time, they would just laugh. Billy still would get out though and it would make Mama so mad. Mama had just gotten her a used Cadillac and Billy got out and took to butting her car and dented it all up, she started hollering at him and then he came after her and butted her up pretty bad. After she got loose from that goat she went right into the house and called somebody and by the time Dad got home, Billy was gone and I was glad. I moved schools a lot when I was younger, I think Mom was trying to get me in the smart schools so I would make something of myself, but I hated the private schools and they were just too expensive for them to keep up with the high tuition. By the time I was in 6th grade I had been to 4 different schools. I liked public school it was fun, and the work was so easy since I had been to the private schools before that, the teacher’s were a little stricter though and one time my teacher called my mom just because I put on makeup at school… that was a disaster Mom did not like to be called about bad behavior. The other thing about public school is they had paddles, glass paddles. The principal had them lined up all different sizes in his office hanging on the wall, I never got a paddling but my nephews sure did on more than one occasion. Mom wouldn’t let me shave either when I was in the 5th grade, it was horrible. That was the year everyone was wearing the tight rolled jeans just about 2 inches of your leg would show, so I would shave just that 2 inches of my leg so mom wouldn’t notice. Finally in the 6th grade after much pleading and begging she finally let me shave. Everything was good, I still spent a lot of time with my nanny and there was never a dull moment at our house. We always had lots of company from our Aunts and family and Mama bought me a karaoke machine and would have me perform every time someone would come over. I think Mama thought I was going to be a famous singer one day, but I really didn’t sing all that well. She also tried to teach me piano, but I really didn’t take to that either. The only goal I really had at that time was I wanted a baby, I didn’t want to be a doctor or lawyer or nurse, I wanted to be a Mom even at the young age of 12 and actually even earlier than that.

What's in a name?

My Mom was 38 years old, when she had me. She had 3 boys of high school and college age and had adopted my sister 8 years before I was born. Mom had had several miscarriages and the doctors had told her she wouldn’t be able to carry any more children. The pediatrician that she used at the time knew how bad she wanted a little girl and called her when my sister was born to a mother than had decided to give her up for adoption; I guess that was before you had to go through all the red tape. I’m not sure if she even asked my Dad but she went to the hospital and brought my sister home that very next day after she was born. Ofcourse they absolutely adored her and were so content with their family of 3 boys and 1 girl. When my sister was 8 years old my mom became pregnant with me. Immediately after finding out she was pregnant she started bleeding and the doctor’s told her to prepare for another miscarriage. She fought it and stayed in bed trying to keep me, she bled the entire time she was pregnant with me all the while doctors not expecting me to make it. But, she made it to 9 months pregnant; I was born and was perfect. That is when I was given my nickname “Blessing”. Everyone loved me and was so glad I was born. But my very favorite person in the world was my mom. I never wanted to be away from her and was content with just sitting on her lap all day or at her feet while she sewed. I watched her cook, play cards with her friends, and I even went to work with her when she opened up her very own shop and made handmade smocked dresses and specialty clothes. I loved it when mamma cooked, she would make homemade pies, chicken and dumplings, and my very favorite homemade chocolate chip cookies. Mamma always took us to church, Dad usually wouldn’t go but on special holidays or when mamma would make him, but regardless she always had us at church. My Dad was a good man; he would help anyone that needed help. I never heard my mom and dad fuss… I’m sure they had to have had disagreements but I never ever can remember them saying a cross word to eachother. My dad worked hard and always provided for us, I can never remember a time in my younger days ever wanting for anything or my parents struggling. If they did I didn’t know it. We weren’t wealthy by any means but we had exactly what we needed. My nanny was the next person who loved me the most, well probably equal to Mamas love for me. Nanny is the one who gave me my nickname “Blessing”. I loved to go to Nanny’s house. Every Friday I would go over and usually stay until Sunday. We would go on trips and shopping, and she would always make me homemade biscuits every Saturday. We would eat our homemade biscuits with homemade jelly and watch cartoons every Saturday morning. On Friday nights we would always go to Paul’s oyster bar and eat dinner, we had some really good times. My Nanny was such a good lady, she was kind to everyone and always willing to listen and give advice. My Nanny read her bible every night, she would underline and mark and pray and make notes on everything she was reading and learning. Nanny went to the Methodist church and we went to the Baptist church, so we didn’t usually go to church together. My grandfather died when I was around 2, I think. I don’t really remember him, but I hear he was a good man. For the first part of my life, I don’t remember any bad things about my life. I was loved, cared for and cherished by my family… and everything was perfect.

The reasoning....

I began thinking one day on how I would love to have known more about my mom. We never know how long we have with someone and memories some time fade and get lost throughout the years. This blog is dedicated to my children, so that one day they will have something to look back on and know about my life, trials, and how my faith got me through the good and bad times.